I Changed My Mind

And I grieve for what that means for me, and especially what that means for Kris. I thought I was done with my family. I thought everything felt right. I thought it was time to give someone else the opportunity to become a mother. Here is Kris, this incredible woman I met who seems like a sister to me. She is kind, giving, patient, and warm. She is the type of person who you KNOW will be the kind of patient mother that I strive to be. We talked for weeks over email and the phone. We cried with some of our discussion about how it would be. Kris flew in to meet Aidan, me and my family. She wrote up the contract, and met with an attorney. Everything was going just as planned. We were aiming for October for her to start her donor embryo cycle.

Then BAM! Out of nowhere 2 weeks ago, two seemingly insignificant events occurred, and I realized I could not donate my embryos, because I wanted to use them and no one else. Even more, I didn't just want to keep the embies, I wanted to have another baby. I felt like someone dumped a truck load of bricks on my lap, so heavy that I was knocked completely down and could not get up. What? ME? Another baby? Who was I kidding? What the hell is going on? Where was this coming from? I was reeling.. panicking, overwhelmed with this paralyzing anxiety and the deepest sense of grief.

I remember years ago when I decided that I wanted to have a child so badly that I would be willing to have one on my own, before I would wait any longer for Mr. Right and miss out on my chance. That was 5 years ago, and here I am: feeling that familiar anxiety and grief. Could I really do it? Could I afford it? Would I regret it? Why did I have to take this harder track and not get the husband first, with the second salary, some support, and another set of arms?

So here I am, with the same thoughts running through my head at 100 miles per hour. I am not sleeping well. Two weeks ago I was in a complete panic..what about Kris? What about our plans? What about me? Were did this come from? Why was I feeling so anxious? How could I EVER have a second child with my income? When I told Kris I had changed my mind, I know that I devastated her. I know that she cannot and perhaps will never understand. I know that I have hurt her deeply. It just kills me to know that I am the reason that she feels this way. Even I was not expecting this.

So here I am. Wanting to pretend these feelings are not there, I am so anxious at times. One moment I want to run, then the next moment I want to try as soon as I can because I am so excited and happy for another. I cannot try yet. I have to do a lot before I try again. Some things just to make sure my body is okay to have another, which I thought after delivering Aidan was not even possible. That is what I was led to believe. Dr. Dourron told me recently when I went to see him that this was a wrong assumption. OMG. To think I am getting on this TTC rollercoaster again is just astounding to me. I thought those days were over.

I have been going to church a lot. Praying for faith, praying for guidance, praying for healing for Kris, and patience for me, as I proceed with TTCing, finding another job, getting on this rollercoaster and not knowing what the hell I am doing. Going to church is the grounding point for reminding me to take it one day at a time.