The conversation I have dreamed of having

I had last night.
I just cannot believe it.

When I was dating I used to feel such pressure. Before I decided to become a single mother by choice, I needed to meet Mr. Right pronto so I would not run out of time for baby making. When I "decided" that I was ready to get married and have a family, I was dating my last long term boyfriend. That was 10 years ago. He was not sure he wanted marriage. I broke up with him. I really believed that once you had decided that you wanted the next step, that it would happen. I decided to become an SMC 4 years later, when I realized that "deciding and wanting it really badly" was not helping it happen. It was the pressure. The pressure of meeting Mr. Right was sabotaging relationships before they had a shred of a chance.

When I became an SMC I talked about the pressure being off. I felt this relief that for the first time in damn near 10 years there was not a timeline to meet Mr. Right. I had my child, and I had all the time in the world. I had one opportunity to test this hypothesis a year ago, when I was dating someone, but it did not last long enough to really prove that it was true.

Flash forward nearly a year.
Hung out with an old friend last week. Felt that spark. Where the hell it came from I do not know. I looked at him across the table when he took me to lunch and listened to him talk and really looked at him. His beautiful blue eyes and that subtle humility that I noticed when he talked. How embarrassed he was when I complimented him. He was human and sensitive and really cool. He made me laugh.
Flash forward a few days, and when he called after our 12 hour date the night before and told me he was analyzing what was happening, I had the miracle conversation:

I said that I did not want to talk about the future. I just wanted to take time getting to know him and take it a day at a time. I did not want to talk about marriage or the next step a I just wanted to have fun. He was relieved, and so was I.

My hypothesis was correct and god it feels good. The relief from the pressure is making me cry.