Thoughts

Yesterday I went to the gynecologist for my annual exam. I talked to her about my plans for another. I had tons of blood tests and a referral to the perinatologist. Immediately afterwards I drove to the RE's to pick up the antibiotic I need to take before the hysteroscopy next week. (Hysteroscopy: the fancy name for a camera gingerly placed up my ho-ha to get a peek at the inside of my uterus)

This is all happening as scheduled, and it feels good to feel like I am making progress in this journey.

The one thing that stops my excitement dead in its tracks is the money. I worry if I will not make it and doing this will have been a mistake. I have to admit this out loud here, cause sometimes it creeps in and perhaps writing it will be cathartic. I know that the money situation will always be an issue as a single parent. I know that I trust that God will take care of me in this regard, as he always has. I just hear that voice in my head "single and 2 kids-are you crazy? how can you afford this?"

But how can I not, given how strongly I feel?

I need another job to make more money. But the thing is, I love my job. I love my manager, the flexibility, my co-workers, the fact that I am helping others and that I work with some of the funniest people I know. It releases so much stress to laugh, and not have to worry when your kid is sick and you have to take time off, or god forbid if there were complications with a pregnancy and I was on bedrest no one would bat an eyelash. People say "well that flexibility is worth so much!" and this is true, but when bills come this logic goes right out the window for me emotionally.

Is this where my faith comes in?

It is so hard to believe that this is possible and I will make it.

Does God put you on a path that is a mistake? I just don't think so. This has not been the case in my life. My paths lead to such joy.

Scary to have this much faith in something still so unbelievable.