Sex, babies, money and dating

Not necessarily in that order of course.

The past few months I have realized that I really want another child. I have had the uncomfortable testing, visited the doctor, consulted a perinatologist, and had numerous blood tests. I am good to go, at least physically. I planned on January.

My finances suck. A year ago if I cut back on the extras I saw great improvements when bill time came. Now I cut back out of necessity, and bill time comes and it does not make a damn bit of difference. I really need a better paying job. Yet this decision is fraught with such emotional and practical implications. I love my job. I love helping our clients. I adore my manager, who really is more like a mom and a close friend all rolled up into one. My job has the flexibility a single mother needs, and the friendships I have developed at work make being there so enjoyable. I think about leaving and it just makes me so sad. Leave this because I need to make more money? I just cannot wrap my head around the idea. How in God's name can I afford another right now? The financial aspect of this decision is just paralyzing. I have changed from January to a year from now, and since Dr. Dourron told me I could wait that long, I am relieved to be given more time to assess my financial situation.

Ah my old friend, with the sparks flying out of control when we are together. Amazing. We are having so much fun, and I really enjoy being with him. This is a man who has been married before, with no children and at 48 years old, was/is going to have a vasectomy because he does not want them. Ah, I am a package deal eh? a 42 year old with a 3 1/2 year old and a strong desire for another? The poor guy. We are taking the dating slow, yet I cannot help but wonder if him moving on to someone less encumbered is in our future. Of course that is a risk I am willing to take, but I still think about it in the back of my mind. Like usual I am living in the present and taking it a day at a time, but I know that the risk is real. I step over the crevasse of fears and worry about money, babies, job changes, my friend and what will happen, and just have to trust that in time I will know what is in store.