Not the sharpest knife in the drawer

Me that is.

Undergoing a breast biopsy, one that I have basically waited 3 months for

and weaning my child-on the same day.

Not very smart.

Nah, not talking about the cabbage leaves and engorgement, thanks. That is long gone. It is something else. I read on line that you can have a hormone nosedive when you wean, that emotions can go a bit haywire for a bit while things regulate. 

Uh, reading my last post one could see that my irritation level this past weekend was oh so high, and my tolerance level left something to be desired. As if this nosedive was not enough, I got my period yesterday, 21 days after the last one. WTH? As 21 day cycle? Wicked strong, crampy, the whole kit and kabootle. Did weaning bring on the start of menopause? Well, I am turning 42 next month.

Aidan is struggling a little with the weaning too. A little acting out at school to match the acting out at home. He asks for boobie every day-and every day I tell him the milk is gone. 

Damn I miss the nursing. I miss the intimacy and sweetness and the way Aidan's little curled tongue stuck out while he nursed just like when he was a newborn. I miss the vestiges of infancy and childhood that I will never have again. It makes me sad. I think Aidan is sad too. 

I am waking around feeling grief and sadness. No more baby.No more sweet snuggly nursing baby. My boy is growing up. No more innocence in regard to my breast cancer risk. Stringent monitoring, frequent medical appointments. I am not a person who is so young breast cancer is unheard of any more. I am getting old. I have to revisit my risk every time I get examined, every year I get older. I grieve this. I grieve my once perky yet quite small but large for me shrinking boobs. I grieve all this at the same time. 

It is all happening so fast.