I could not answer

So I was talking to my friend last night and we were discussing how I came to the decision to become a single mom by choice. I talked about turning 37 back in 2004 and going to my gynecologist, who after discussing my age and whether or not I would be able to have child assured me that I had plenty of time. We talked about me not meeting the right man, and how much I wanted to become a mother. It had been 4 years since I decided I wanted marriage and a family, and I was feeling desperate. At the end of the appointment the doctor patted my knee and said reassuringly, “don’t worry; you’ll meet a man soon.”

The anger welled in me after that appointment. I knew, felt it in my bones that if I waited to meet a man, to do what I had been doing I would never be a mother. Somehow in four years I had crossed the line into a desperate realm, and in that realm, meeting someone was never going to happen, and I knew it. That is when I decided. Anger became drive to make my dream happen, to create the life I had always wanted, even though I had to do it on my own. My baby Aidan was born in March of 2005.

Flash forward 4 plus years. I meet Kris, and immediately knew that I wanted to donate to her my extra embryos. At that point my family was complete. I loved Kris, and could see her as the mother to my adopted children. Everything was going smoothly, and it felt right. That is until I changed my mind. I went from choosing to donate, to planning another. I broke her heart. I wrote about this here. That was in September of 2008.

It is now December. Again, I am not sure what I am going to do. Am I going to have another? I don't know. Most practically I cannot afford it. I just used up the final postponement of my student loans, and I will have to begin paying them again in August. We are talking about a $400-$500 payment per month. How I am going to afford this I do not know. I also do not have the extra 2k to try an embryo transfer, and god knows I cannot afford day care for another child with my single income. It just seems so implausible, and just a really bad idea given my finances and the recession this country is in. My friend asked “well, can’t you just start a new cycle all over again?” (Meaning if I did donate to Kris) and I reminded him that I was too old, that it would likely be unsuccessful. We talked about why I changed my mind about having another and he asked me “what does having another mean to you?” I could not answer him.

Having another. I think about the money, about of dollar signs spinning wildly and out of control. I think about the practical aspect, about cribs and the long nights, about feeling sick with nausea, the worry, and the testing while I am pregnant.I think about day care for a baby, and how I would swing going to the store, running an errand, having a life, with two? There are times I dread going to the store with one. I think about the financial relief I will feel when Aidan goes to kindergarten, and I only have to pay for after-school care. It will be so much less of a struggle. I would have to start day care all over again, with no relief for years.

But really, the thing is, I like my life now. I feel like I have a sense of control for the first time in so many years-Aidan sleeps through the night, I have a great babysitter who he loves to be with, I am going out and having fun, and really enjoying myself as ME for the first time in such a long time. It feels good. I like that I have the time and energy to spend with my new friend, to see what happens. The idea of revisiting the exhaustion and uncertainty of infancy seems unappealing right now.

My relationship with my friend is very important to me. I am enjoying him so much and the time we share together. He is kind, funny, stable, and present. He listens, supports me, and makes me feel safe. He is a keeper. I want to take the time to see what happens and where this relationship goes. Most importantly, I like him, and feel something special that I do not want to ruin.

So what does having another mean to me? The end of something alone, and the beginning of something together. (I hope)