Memories

School was difficult for me when I was a kid.

I had learning disabilities which made things so much harder for me than it was for everyone else. Plus I was hyper, and friendly to the kids that you were not supposed to be friendly to. The teachers were mean and discouraging, and my peers bullied me and made fun of my differences. By the time I "grew out of" my learning issues as a teenager, (what the psychologist said would happen) the damage was all ready done.

I used to talk with a friend while we were in grad school about us having children someday. She would say that she was afraid of the infancy phase of parenting cause she did not know what to do with an infant. I would laugh and say "okay, I'll take your infant, and you take my kid when they start school." Of course I was teasing, but not really from my emotional standpoint.

My negative school experience, coupled with the constant rejection (despite my years of therapy) is something that will always impact me. Even moreso now that I am a mom. I had a test of this impact at the end of last week.

Aidan's teacher pulled me aside and informed me that Aidan was one of the "lowest in the class" in his ability to recognize and sound out letters and numbers. She said she was concerned and urged me to work on this with him at home by making ad using flashcards. My mouth dropped at her words "lowest in the class" which were like a sock in the gut to me.

I dutifully made the flashcards and praticed them with Aidan that night while my emotions swirled under the surface:
OMG could Aidan have learning disabilities?
Was it my fault?
Should I have worked with him more?
Could I have done more?
Was it a bad idea to send him to a developmental preschool and not an academic one?
Holy crap did he get this from me?
These worries and my emotions took over as I practiced sounds while we drove, helped Aidan with his homework, and reviewed the flashcards with letters and numbers night after night.
I was anxious, angry, worried, and just completely overwhelmed with the idea that school might be hard for him, just like it was for me.
I knew I was projecting my school stuff on him, but was hopeless in understanding how not do do this given my experiences, and the newness and adjustment of school for the both of us.
I thought about how smart Aidan is and my mother's words when describing me as a kid "the psychologist tested you and told me you were superior intellectually-my god you tried so incredibly hard but you just could not do certain things." The notion that Aidan could walk in my footsteps panicked me and made me so tense and uncomfortable.
On Monday, late from teaching and so tired and overwhelmed with my thoughts and feelings, I inadvertandly woke up Kevin and he asked me what was wrong. I started talking. I shared with him for a long time my thoughts, worries and fears and sobbed like a little kid.
I got it all out that night.Every emotion, every feeling, every worry. Talking about the fear lessened it's impact and made me feel so much better.

Just as I was starting to feel myself again,as I was beginning to gain some perspective on the situation,I heard this from Aidan's teacher:
"you know Betsy, Aidan has improved so much since we tested him, I am really happy to see this..he is doing much better! But really the best thing about Aidan is that he is so eager to learn."

I nearly started to cry again.

My boy, so much like his mother. (at least that is what my mom and sisters tell me)