Taking A Walk

Seems a lot of times Aidan yells and argues with me unlike any other.
I seem to remember doing that with my mother too.
Some would call it burgeoning independence, or maybe taking it out on a safe person.
Probably, but it annoys me nonetheless.
I try not to let it get to me.
I try to calmly explain my point, or whatever needs to be done or said in the moment.
I do it, but it frustrates me.
My mom tells me that Aidan knows how to "get a rise out of me" or "push my buttons" depending on the situation. When she says this she has a sarcastic, almost laughing tone which implies that she has been there with me many many times before.
I know this is true.
Sometimes I aplogize for the years of arguing with her, cause now I know how frustrating it can be.
Like today.
Aidan woke up, and I thought things would be fantastic when Kevin bought us donughts. After breakfast we took a trip to Home Depot. Aidans incessent desire to hold my hand was bugging me. (instert mom guilt) Then came the continuous "mom!" "mom!" "mooooommmmmmm!" and things were really getting on my nerves.
We came home, and I suggested that Aidan go swimming in our pool. Somehow this brilliant idea culmintated in a screaming and crying fit for over 5 minutes (Kevin timed it)in the pool. When I was trying to talk to Aidan about it in his room, he continued to scream and cry at me some more. Nothing was working. I started to feel that immediate and overwhelming feeling that I was starting to lose control. I tried to reason. I tried to talk, I tried to stay calm. I was getting more and more frustrated, and what I really needed to do was leave.
Oh how many times I have wanted to leave when I have felt that way the past 5 1/2 years. I have never been able to, because I was alone. I had to suck it up and deal with my feelings no matter how I felt, or how frustrated I was feeling.
When those uncomfortable feelings bubbled up in me today, I said to Kevin "please take him, I need to go for a walk so I do not lose it."
I did just that. I walked to the nearest TJMaxx for a calming little dose of retail therapy.
As I walked I thought about how feeling like you are going to lose it with your kid is the single worst feeling to have when you are a parent. My mother tells me it is the walking away that makes you a good parent, not the feelings, for they are normal. I know this is true, but in the moment I could cry cause somehow I should be bigger than an argument with my 5 year old. But I am human of course.
As I walked home, anticipating what awaited me upon my return, I realized that this was the first time I had actually been able to take a walk when I felt that way. I did't have sit there with a kid who was emotionally out of control, because I had someone who took over when I needed it, and who in that moment could be so much more effective than I ever could have been. I felt so overwhelmingly appreciative for the man who allowed me to be a better mother in that moment. Kevin took care of the situation and allowed me to come back and sit with my son and hug him and be okay again.
This is a partnership I will never take for granted, for it is too important to me.