Testing my mettle

Yesterday Aidan had surgery again.
The last one was when he was 2.
You can never be prepared for the intense, almost obsessive fear that something is going to happen.
That your child will be that lone complication that no one ever expected.
I watched him go under.. thinking I was doing the right thing. It was for him that I was there, but not for me.
He looked dead when I left-eyes rolled back, tongue sticking out in a way I have never seen, making these unusual girgling noises.
The most frightening thing I have ever seen.
I sobbed.
Then, after waiting awhile
I stopped.
I was ready to see my boy-for this whole thing to be finished and for him to be done so I could hold him. They called me, and here he was, my baby on my lap, groggy from anesthesia and happy to be with his Mommy.
We were there for hours.
I am so happy we had the surgery, maybe he will be healthier-and damn was he prepared. It was a good experience for him.
As I take time off this week to care for him, I will remember the fear that welled in me as I saw him go under, the fear that something had gone wrong. I sobbed for a long time.
I will think about that moment, and hug my sweet, alive and hopefully healthier boy, and thank god all is okay.
But it haunts me.