Marriage

It's an awkward thing thinking about marriage with someone who does not want to get married. I wonder how I would feel about it if he was gung-ho about the idea, if he was pushing for us to tie the knot, like my ex-fiancée. When I was engaged with him, it seemed unreal, and I was uneasy. In retrospect I knew deep down that he was the wrong person, so I felt as if I was pretending. I had the ring on my finger and my sister's dress in the closet at my parents house, yet it did not feel real. It never was for me.
But now I have a man I want to spend the rest of my life with. A man who does not push marriage, or even want it. He has been married and hurt deeply in the process, and I just get his fear and feelings of "been there done that." I laugh with this man, cry with this man, make love to this man, and worry about this man. He is the man I want to spend my days and nights with, who I love to watch as he interacts with Aidan-a man who is loving my son more and more as the days go by. Kevin and I negotiate the day to day living that I never thought I would share with anyone. I want to come home and see Kevin, I want to sleep next to him every night, I want to talk about things when I am tired. I want to make love to him even when I am tired and just want to sleep. I want the day to day. I crave the day to day. I have the married life, but I am not married. Just like I had the engaged life, and felt like it was fake. I like my life, our life. But it feels real this time, whatever you call it.
Afraid of change, I am. Afraid of anything that will alter this peace I feel in my relationship with a person who loves me and makes me feel whole, who notices when I am silent and thinking and says in a slightly exasperated tone "What are you thinking? talk to me!" or even "can we talk about this later?" (and he does). This is my dream come true, this man I always dreamed of. But I also dreamed of getting married and having a family, and god knows I did that the backward way. I have the relationship I have always dreamed of, with a man who cares for me more deeply than I have ever felt, yet we are not married. And this feels so good, even though it does not have the "married" label.
Is this enough for everyone who asks? for my parents who want to see me "do the right thing?"
What does all this mean for me, for them? and why does it matter so much? I want to spend my days enjoying the moment with the man I never thought I would have, with the child I always dreamed of having. I want Aidan and Kevin to forge their relationship day to day and bear witness to what this time is bringing them right in front of my eyes. I want to pray for the time on this earth to watch my love grow old and take care of him when he needs me. I want to do this whether we are married or not-and for my parents to accept this. This gift from god that came in the most non-traditional of ways.