When Aidan started preschool he had the most gifted teacher, Miss Maria. She was caring, loving, and no-nonsense. She loved the kids, and they loved her. Aidan started with Miss Maria in March of 2007, the month he turned 2, until he was three and ready for the next class. Miss Maria never had any problems with Aidan, never spoke of issues or behaviors, or anything but positive things to say about my loving and funny child. One thing she did say, was that she ‘”had to keep a step ahead of him.” She said that with a smile on her face.
Problems started for Aidan when he moved into the 3 year old class. He had a teacher who did not know how to set boundaries, particularly with the boys, and he walked all over her. The day I found out he spit in her face I was horrified. What the hell was happening? Where was my sweet, happy, and loving child? What was happening with her? After many conversations with the director and a move to another class, things were going smoothly for about another 6 months when the complaints began. Complaints about Aidan’s behavior, his unwillingness to do seated work, his disturbing antics during circle time. When the first teacher spoke these complaints, I had heard from the grapevine that she disliked boys and preferred the sweet demure girls who were eager to please and followed directions diligently and without question. They had warned me about her. I knew a student like Aidan was not her cup of tea, and began to get angry when there was a note home every single day about Aidan’s behavior during the day. It was clear like I was warned that she did not like my boy with his boy behaviors, and I could not wait to have him moved.
His next teacher, Mrs. Caroline I liked, and she didn’t seem to have any problems with Aidan. She was funny, kind, and loving. I liked her and Aidan did too. As the year progressed, I heard from the teachers and from other parents that she was having personal problems, she and her husband were separating, and she was moving out of state. It was during this time that the complaints about Aidan’s behavior began. He wasn’t listening, he was not following directions, and had a hard time staying seated; the same stuff I had heard before, but chocked it up to a teacher who did not like my kid or did not know how to handle him. But Mrs. Caroline? She was a wonderful teacher, who perhaps because she was having personal issues was not as patient as she used to be. At least that is what I told myself.
Again, Aidan was moved, when he turned 4 ½. He was moved to the big kid class, the “rainbows.” This was the class that prepared the children for Kindergarten. The teacher Mrs. Claire was tough, and everyone knew it, (I thought would be good for him), but her assistant Mrs. Zens had shown me a mean streak with the children that I did not care for. In the rainbows class Aidan had a hard time with all the seat work and the complaints about his behavior seemed to worsen as the year progressed. Of course most of the complaints came from Mrs. Zens, who I knew was a bitch and completely intolerant. She was in it for the power and she did not let anyone, even the kids forget that.
During this time I had a teacher from the school as my babysitter when I worked on Tuesday nights. Aidan called her Miss Carrie. Carrie was loving, strong, and so good with Aidan. She loved him, and even though she was “mean” as he said, Aidan loved her too. Carrie was my eyes and ears at the school, looking out for Aidan and making sure that no one was treating him unfairly, which she could see happening sometimes. I loved having Carrie as my protector of Aidan. After awhile the complaints about Aidan’s behavior again became more frequent, and the notes home began again.
One day Carrie called me in the afternoon to tell me that as a punishment for his behavior in the rainbows class, Aidan was sent to Miss Maria’s baby class, and he was very upset. I was angry too, for they were allowing Miss Maria to deal with him and his behavior and not them. I felt this was unfair to her, and particularly unfair to him, since moving him to the baby class was much too harsh of a punishment. I picked him up that night, angry at what happened and let Mrs. Zens know that he was not to be sent to Miss Maria’s class again as a punishment under no uncertain terms. I thought I made myself clear. When Carrie called me to let me know that they sent him back to Maria’s class the next day and particularly hearing how ashamed he was I came unglued. I pulled him out of that school immediately.
During those 3 years I always believed that Miss Maria was the talented and wonderful teacher, who had “no problems with Aidan at all” (as she said) and that the one he spit on was weak and had no skills. I believed that the next teacher just did not like boys, (which everyone was aware of) and Caroline was letting her personal issues influence her tolerance for the children. Of course I knew that Claire was a tough bitch, who everyone warned me about, and I had seen enough of Zens and her interaction with the children to know that she had a bitchy side of her own. Yes, the complaints were about my son, that he could not sit; he did not listen, didn’t follow directions, and only wanted to play and not work. A typical kid I thought, what kid doesn’t have this issue?
Flash forward to today, the summer between his kindergarten and first grade year. My son is being evaluated for ADHD. I took him to have a sensory integration evaluation and he could barely remain seated. He needed multiple prompts and much direction to keep him on task, and seemed bored and inattentive. I was watching through a two way mirror and could see the test was long, boring, and difficult. A private neuropsychologist will complete even more testing, to determine whether my smart, bright child has ADHD/ADD. I know he has one of those, and the testing is not over.
I called Mrs. Maria yesterday by accident. I meant to call my co-worker, and Miss Maria answered the phone. We spoke the typical pleasantries and she asked how her boy was doing. I told her about Aidan finishing kindergarten, learning how to swim under water and ride two wheel bike. After a few minutes I mentioned casually that Aidan was being assessed for ADHD. There was a moment of silence, then her response which shocked me. Maria said, quite matter of factly “well, I am surprised this assessment did not happen sooner, it is about time.” Her words were like a kick in the stomach to me. I gasped in surprise at their truth, which revealed even more evidence of my denial. I welled up with tears that even Miss Maria, the lone teacher at the school who never had a problem with Aidan, who never complained about him, who assured me all the time he was a good kid, it was just the other teachers who had issues with him……she had allowed me to live in the denial that everything was fine with my son and it was everyone else’s problem. I was so shocked to realize that she too had seen it and never said anything to me. I guess there really WAS a problem, and I was the last to know. Ain’t denial grand?
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